Horse Humor & Trivia

Did you know that the name "Snickers" candy bar came from the Mars families favorite horse?

It was a sunny afternoon when Bob said to George, "Hey, George, why don't we get ourselves 2 horses? We could ride them in the summer and in the winter we could put them in the paddock behind the house." George thought it was a great idea, so the next day they went out and bought themselves 2 horses. They rode them in the summer, but when winter came George got worried. He said "Hey, Bob, how are we going to tell them apart next spring?" Bob said, "Well, I'll shave the mane off mine and you shave the tail off yours." This satisfied George, so he did. The next spring when they went back to get their horses they found the horses' hair had all grown back. Alarmed, George said, "Oh great, now how are we going to tell them apart?" and Bob said, "Well, you can have the black one and I'll take the white one."

A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to bloody walk home."

Three racehorses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"

Countdown to the best error in a horse ad.

21. Appleloosa for sale.

20. Willingly piaffes & massages.

19. Bay 3-yr-old, lightly started, lounges well.

18. Cooked semen available.

17. Welsh filly, pretty head & eye. Just stared over fences.

16. 3-yr-old TB mare, recently startled under saddle.

15. Aged race gelding, has four clean kegs.

14. Rider must sell: horse going to college.

13. Gray pony, very athletic, broke to dive.

12. Small horse farm for sale, 33 acres, large fenced pastures plus three small haddocks.

11. Attractive gelding for Combined Training, ready to brake in the spring.

10. Aged Warmblood mare, no lices. Reasonably priced to good home.

9. Registered Hockey Club mare.

8. Super mover-gloats over the ground!

7. Always in the ribbons over fences & thunder saddle.

6. Select young stock for sale, top scores at insurrection.

5. 1899 filly offered for sale.

4. Oldenburg colt, will manure to 17 hands.

3. Young Hanoverian, started u/s, bumping over small courses.

2. Many sport horses for sale, all apes and sizes.

1. LFG-Live Floral Guarantee.

The countdown above is courtesy of Hunter & Sport Horse Magazine Subscriptions: 800-554-7470

Thinking of dating a horsewoman? Please read the following carefully:

Easy to Locate.- She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.

Upholds the double standard - Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave.

Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in the barn.

A social butterfly - providing the party is given by another horsey woman. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.

Economy minded - Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or manicures.

A culinary perfectionist - Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.

Occasionally amorous - but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.

Easy to outfit - No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tackstore.

Features a selective sense of smell - Bitterly complains about the sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.

Unmistakable in a bathing suit - She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists

A dedicated club woman - as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.

Has your leisure at heart - Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.

A master at multiplication - She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.

Keeps an eagle eye on the budget - Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling.

An Engaging conversationalist - Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding.

Socially aware - Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.

A moving force in the family - House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)

Easy to please - A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.

Sentimental fool - Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.

Shows her affection in unusual ways - If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you.
 

Defining Horse & Rider

The Riders:

Natural Horsemanship devotee looks like a throwback from a Texas ranch, despite the fact that he grew up in the suburbs of NJ.  Rope coiled loosely in hand (don't want to send any messages of tension, after all in case he needs to herd any of those kids on roller blades away from his/her F-350 dually in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  Cowboy hat is strategically placed, and just soiled enough to be cool.  Wranglers are well worn, with that little wrinkle above the instep of the ropers, and lots of dust, well, you know, from the round pen on the lower legs.

Dressage Queen is freshly coifed.  Not even she remembers her own hair color, but she has taken great pains to ensure that Rolfe, the hairdresser, makes the perm and highlights look "natural."  Diamond studs are elegant and stately, and not so large that they blind the judge during the entire passage-piaffe tour.  $30 denim jumper worn over $300 full seat white breeches and Koenigs.

Hunter/Jumper competitor is in an aqua polo and those breeches whose color could be compared to, um, well, okay, let's say they're khaki.  The polo is so that folks will think they're a jumper rider until they put on their shirt and stock tie.  Baseball cap is mandatory after a ride, in order to provide free advertising to that trainer's stable for whom they shell over a mere grand or so per month, and to hide "helmet head."

Eventer is slightly hunched over.  This could be from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and all related color coordinated gear to every event, or it could possibly be a defensive posture where he/she is
unconsciously protecting his/her wallet, which is, of course, nearly empty from buying three saddles, three bridles, three bits and all related color coordinated gear.  Looked down on by the H/J's as "people who just run their horses at fences" and by the DQ's as "not real dressage riders."  Eventers are smugly convinced that they are in fact the only people in the horse world who CAN ride, since the H/J's don't jump real fences and the DQ's don't ride real horses.

Endurance Addict is wearing lycra tights in some neon color.  Has not read the rule that lycra is a privilege, not a right.  The shinier, the better, so that they can find her body when her mount dumps her down (another)
ravine.  Wearing hiking sneakers of some sort and a smear of trail dirt on the cheek.  Sporting one of the zillions of t-shirts she got for paying $75 to complete some other torturous ride.  Socks may or may not match (each other).

Backyard Rider can be found wearing (in summer) shorts and bra, (in winter) flannel nightgown, buck boots, down jacket.  Drives a Ford Tempo filled with dirty blankets and dog hair.  Usually has deformed toes on the right foot from being stepped on in the Wal-Mart sneakers that are worn for riding. Roots need touching up to hide the grey.  2-horse bumperpull behind barn willed with sawdust/hay.  Can be found trying to teach her horse to come in the kitchen to eat so she doesn't have to walk all the way to the barn.

The Horses

Rusty is the quintessential NH mount.  Rescued from a situation where he was never initiated in the NH ways, he's learned to run down his owners at
feeding time, knock children from his back under low hanging branches, and could even spit like a camel if provoked.  The embezzlement has never been proven.  The hospitalization tally for his handlers was twelve until he met Spherical Sam.  After twelve minutes in the round pen, he is teaching algebra to high school freshmen, speaks three languages fluently, and can put on his own splint boots (with Spherical Sam's trademark logo embossed clearly).

Fleistergeidelsprundheim ("Fleistergeidel" for short) is an 18-hand warmblood who was bred to make Grand Prix in a European nation where his breeders are still laughing hysterically when they talk about 'zat crazy American.'  Despite being runty, his owner fell in love with his lofty gaits, proud carriage and tremendous athleticism.  Never mind that this talent was not revealed until he was chased down by a rabid raccoon, and has not been  repeated since.  Has been injured 16 times in the last year, preventing his move to PSG at age 6, despite living in a 20' x 20' padded stall and providing family supporting wages to a groom whose chief job duty is "don't let him get hurt!"

Neverbeenraced is a prime example of an American Thoroughbred.  The coat is deep bay, no markings, the textbook TB head, and no unusual conformational characteristics.  Perfect, just perfect.  Overcame a near fatal flat in his H/J career when he learned that the plants in the jumps are NOT real, and therefore did not require him to stop and taste.  Has learned to count strides all by himself, and asks in midair which lead his mistress would like today.

Fastnhighasican is a Thoroughbred track reject who never won a single race - perfect eventer!  He has two speeds, gallop and stopndump, and they are used, at his discretion, for all three phases of eventing, although he has some creative variations of gallop to spice up that boring dressage.  There is the gallopdowncenterlineandrear, the gallopdepartandbuck, the extendedoutofhandgallop, and, a favorite among spectators, the gallopzigzagpirouette in which the gallop is performed entirely while hopping on his hind legs.  His favorite phase is cross-country where all obstacles regardless of size are jumped at the height of 5.5 feet, and because that is where he gets to employ his personal favorite movement, the stopndump.  This is the most fun when performed at cross-country water obstacles where his person invariably stands up soaking wet with murky, smelly water and threatens to sell him to Fleistergeidel's owner while he follows up with another fun gallop variation, the imfreeandyoucantcatchmegallop, another crowd-pleaser.

Al Kamar Raka Shazaam was often called "you bastard" until he found an other as hyper as he, an endurance addict.  Can spook at a blowing leaf, spin a 360 and not lose his big trot rhythm or give up an inch to the horse behind him.  Has learned to eat, drink, pee and drop to his resting pulse rate on command.  Has compiled 3,450 AERC miles, with his rider compiling 3,445 - those five miles being the ones he was chased down the trail after performing his trademark 360 turn, without said aforementioned rider.

Snook'ums is the backyard rider's horse.  Big head; stride of a gerbil. Duct tape holding shoe on until farrier gets out next month.  Has a little Quarter, Arab, Standardbred, Tennessee Walker, Shetland blood.  Mane cut with scissors straight across.  He's been there so long she forgot how she got him or where he came from.  Frequently seen ambling around the yard. Been known to join family picnics on the back porch.

Frequently Overheard

NH Devotee - "Well, shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'!"  "It's simple horsemanship." "With this special twirly flickitat'em rope ($17.95 plus tax), you'll be roundpenning like me in no time."  "You silly human, that just ain't natural for a horse."

Dressage Queen - "On no, he's hurt again?!"  "The check is in the mail." To Herr Germanlastname: "Can't you tune up those one tempis for me?" To the groom: "Get me that mounting block - can't you see my nails are still wet?" To the show manager: "That footing has ruined my chances at Olympic Gold in 2000, I'll have you know."  and "What were you thinking, stabling me next to that nobody?  That horse could be 'diseased'?" To anyone who will listen:  "When I had dinner with Hilda / Lendon / Robert..."

H/J Competitor - "Did you tell Neverbeenraced how many strides between fence four and fence five - I can never remember!"  "Is my butt sticking out enough when I post?"  "Oh no, I can't jump 2'6", my trainer will KILL me!" "I can't wait to do jumpers with Neverbeenraced - then we can wear one of those tasseled ear covers!"

Eventer - "I broke my collarbone/ribs/ankle again last week, but I'll be fine for the jog-up tomorrow."  "How do you get pond water out of saddle leather?"  "Did you see our show jumping where Fastnhighasican bounced the two stride combination?"  "Did you see our final gallopdowncenterlineandrear?   I think he is finally starting to relax in dressage."  "Oh, it's just a little concussion.  Have you seen my horse?"

Endurance Addict - "Anyone have Advil?"  "Anyone have food?  I think last year's Twinkies finally went bad."  "For this pain, I spend money?"  "Oh, I never bring hay or water to the vet checks - there's always plenty around." "Quick, quick, did you look, was his pee okay?"  "Shazaam, you bastard - it's just a leaf [thud]!" 

Backyard Rider - "It's too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride."  "I used to show." "Where's my Metamucil?"  "Has anyone seen Snook'ums?  Last I saw he was across the road in the cornfield."  "Here's a picture of Snook'ums when he was 43 years young!"  "Snook'ums stop slobbering on me."

A lady decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the lady begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the lady attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Thank Goodness for heros.

Touching Equine Poem
© 1997 Lamm's Kickin' Back Ranch. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.

When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful. 
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse. 

And now, the REAL story........  
Mary Green

When you are tense, let me teach you that there are dragons in the forest, and we need to leave NOW. 

When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.  

When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding. 

When you are quick to react let me teach you that herbivore's kick MUCH faster than omnivores.  

When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet, because I don't FEEL like cantering on my right lead today, that's why.  

When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness, GI complaint, and skin disease. 

When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.  

When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you about those dragons in the forest. 

When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200lbs of a YAHOO-let's-go horse can do when suitably inspired.  

When you are lonely, let me be your companion.  

Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.  

When you are tired, don't forget the 600lbs of grain that needs to be unloaded. 

When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services, additional". 

When you need to learn, hang around, bud.  I'll learn ya.

Basic Rules For Horses Who Have A Barn To Protect

THE ART OF SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.

NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh..."

STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never --- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.

FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what theysaid when they bought you as a two year old, right?).

DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.

GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES: Rules of the road: When out for a trail ride with your owner, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your human.

NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern.